I was raised in front of the TV, and I turned out TV

I would like to take this time to vent my frustrations about certain commercials on TV that have irked me in one way or another.Firstly, I can remember three that display an alarming disregard for family values:

1) A commercial for a minivan in which a family is driving through a beautiful landscape of mountains (looks like the sierras). The father and mother appear very content and, oddly, so do the kids. But young children are bored with their tangible surroundings, so what are they so happy about? The damn TV screen on the roof... THAT's what. New surroundings are supposed to stimulate us, especially on long trips. They may not shiny or moving, but they define where you exist on this earth. Parents should teach the importance of this, instead of "how to shut up and watch Finding Nemo."

2) Christmas has already gone by but this one stays in my memory. It involves children singing Christmas carols in front of neighbors' houses. Sounds innocent enough... Except they aren't singing; they're humming. And they also are very interested in what seems to be the snow on the ground. In reality they are staring at the new installment of the Gameboy franchise, totally disconnected from the task at hand. Ahh, I love it when blatant commercialism takes the place of Christmas spirit.

3) This one's a grand slam.... Every loving parent would want to train their son/daughter (preferably son) in the fine game of baseball. How to do it? Buy them the new ball-on-a-rope-tied-to-a-pole apparatus (I can't remember whatever ridiculous name they gave it). This great invention is basically tetherball with a bat. It's supposed to teach batting skills somehow: The kid hits the ball, it wraps around, unwraps, he hits it again. Here's the great part: at some point in the commercial, it gives you a scenario of what's wrong with the current situation. The narrator says something to effect of "Never again will fathers be forced to play catch with their children, just set the kid loose with the ball on a pole!" And there's a clip of the old father-and-son combo playing ball. I guess bonding with one's offspring is just another time-burglar in this workaday world.

Here are a couple more, in case you're still reading. They involve the sacred bond of marriage:

1) A husband and wife are having some kind of computer problem, only to have their 2-year-old son solve it by banging the mouse with a toy hammer. Pretty cute. However, while discussing ways to solve the problem, the wife suggests they employ the help of the neighborhood teenager. To which the husband responds, "...but he's always looking at your legs." Are we to believe this man is jealous of a 15-year-old nerd. But he's probably right though; I'm sure the Mrs. is just waiting for the opportunity to jump his acne-covered body.

2) This one's for a travel website that offers different vacation packages. The husband asks the wife if she'd like to go surfing. She would, and thus he ponders the ensuing trip. He imagines his wife sitting on a surfboard in the ocean surrounded by Baywatch-like "instructors." She is flirting with these guys, while the husband is floating nearby with the green-eyed monster. We are then jolted back to the computer where the husband suggests doing something a little more monogamous.... whatever that is. I'm glad trust is still valued so greatly in marriage. I'm also glad that commercials are planting these ideas in our heads about our significant other. Keep that divorce rate rising!

I'm never watching TV again.