...do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?

Herbal this.. All natural that... vegetarian, vegan, organic... when is this bullshit going to end! I remain confident that it's yet another ploy to market gimmicky products to gullible people (and make a handsome profit while they're at it). Washing my hands in the bathroom was what just set me off. Whilst glancing at the peripherals of our sink I noticed my roommate's toothpaste: Crest Herbal White. oooOOooh HERBAL! I bet you find only find something like this in an Indian remedy shop in New Mexico. Unfortunately for the avid hippy, crest is not a mom-and-pop operation, and I doubt they care deeply about utilizing nature's herbal goodness to whiten teeth. But..... the box says "Herbal!" Who knows what mystical journey awaits your teeth.

It's all a big laugh. All this natural herbal stuff boils down to is another product that its key demographic goes organic bananas over. I'm of course talking of "hippies," ...if you want to call them that. Unless there's a war in Vietnam to protest at the moment, I believe the elusive hippy is extinct. I would be more sympathetic, however, if I witnessed them living in communes and not showering, along with the tried-and-true protest sign. But that is not the case. I'm convinced most of these 20-year-old free spirits are just into the fashion. "I really like those pants made out of patches, I think I'll join the hippy crowd." Most of them are pretty damn rich as well. Just look at Phish concerts. Somehow, these deadheads can follow Phish to the end of the earth, and still not need to work to pay for the tickets. Sounds like rich parents and trust funds to me.
How convenient.

Anyway, getting back to this all-natural nonsense... my roommate also owns that Teddy peanut-butter, the stuff with no preservatives and is only made from peanuts... Yeah it sounds orgasmic, but in this work-a-day world it tastes awful. I bet she had fun paying like 8 bucks for it too. Peanut Butter to me is a staple of American life, and my childhood. I'll be damned if she mocks it. Give me Jif and Skippy with all the necessary fats and chemicals to create the epitome of a great sandwich.

Here's another thing. I really get annoyed with the picky eaters out there. I'm talking about those who eat fruits just recently discovered and buy the off-color, more expensive brand of mac and cheese... those who don't like pizza, and always have to spend a great deal of time preparing their meals down to every last picky detail. These are the bluenoses who hold their head high above your everyday frozen dinners.

And to be frank, it all just makes me sick. There are people dying of starvation! They'd be happy to eat the American dirt you walk on, much less the roasted pheasant you had last night. I'm thankful for any kind of sustenance that comes my way. And all the herbs of the world couldn't change that.

I'm not sure the meaning of my last sentence.