The airplane's upside down

So I was at the post office this morning, mailing things that need to be mailed. If you have multiple, consecutive engagements or "work" during the day, you are always hard-pressed to find time to go to the post office. I just don't get it. Why would a business that caters to the general public avail themselves when the public is least available? Waking up early just to mail a letter doesn't sit well with me. Maybe electronic mail has spoiled me with it's glitzy convenience. By the way, this goes for banks too. If only they realized the lucrative possibility of Sunday hours... they would make real bank.

Getting back to my trip and away from terrible puns, along with mailing stuff, I had to buy stamps. Because of the recent price-hike from 37 to 39 cents, my old book of stamps was essentially worthless. Plus I lost them. Anyway, the infernal vending machine wasn't working, so I was forced to engage socially with the wisecracking postal clerk who kept hilariously putting the cost of each item at three million dollars. After laughing sheepishly, I was presented with three choices of stamps: a purple outline of a dove; a drawing of two birds kissing; or the statue of liberty in front of the American flag. Now I usually don't care what others think of me, but I just woke up and had a strong yearning to do what was easiest, so I settled on the Statue. But while walking back to my car, I realized what had just happened... the hornswoggling of me by the government. Their ingenious ploy became clearer than a cup of beer on dollar-draft night: to convert all men into flag-toting, war-supporting Americati. Never underestimate a man's reluctance to reveal evidence of a non-existent homosexuality. As we all know, birds, both purple and kissing, pale in comparison to... pretty much any inanimate object. In this case, it was a green statue with a star-spangled banner. Now, every Johnny Recipient in my list of contacts will be aware of how patriotic and Bush-supporting I am. Thanks government! Keep on tapping my phone and restricting my freedoms too! Make sure that I never have the least bit of dissent in this wonderful country of yours.

You're probably just pouting from America's crappy performance in the World Baseball Classic.

The guy who eats people and takes their faces

If one is looking for something to blame for the ills of society, may I suggest that he look no further than the television series Law and Order. Note: there are many things to blame; I just have good reasoning for this one.

I never really started watching the series until a few months ago. It was always too serious for me. Characters using their fancy-pants criminal justice words didn't seem that entertaining to me. That and you really had to pay attention because they spoke too fast, and when I watch TV, I want to relax. It's difficult to unwind to suspects getting arrested then subsequently convicted all in the span of an hour.

Anyway, now that I do watch it, I can't help but become enthralled with each episode. TV-land does have a shortage of plot-rich shows, so L&O makes up for that pretty well. I'd bet it would be a great learning tool for criminal justice majors too, because I can only assume it's accurate from all the police-work, courtroom jargon. So maybe the show should be confined to a closed-circuit station available only to learned institutions, because it's not doing much good to the general public.

Why you ask? My theory comes from one if its many offshoots: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Firstly, I don't know why the producers thought that sexually-based crimes would be a source of entertainment, but the show's popularity proves otherwise. Maybe it's the feeling of watching the heroic, headstrong protagonists bring justice to the most "heinous" of offenders, or maybe there's a throng of perverts with some spare time looking for tips on how to avoid being caught. Either way the problem with this show is two-fold:

A. Many of the episodes give the impression that these rapists and molesters are all around us. This just boosts society's overall level of fear from "Hey, how you doin'?" to "Hey, who the hell are you really?!" Example: Male teachers applying for elementary school teaching jobs. Normal men end up either not getting hired or getting harassed by "concerned" parents... simply for their Y chromosome. Consequently, almost all K-3 teachers are women, even though it's been shown that at that age, boys need a male role-model to look up to. But now that male must be a pedophile if he wants to teach first grade. SVU tipped us all off!

B. THE SHOW IS ON TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY ...or so it seems. Turn on the TV any time during the day, and you will be in the company of a sleazy criminal. This only makes their existence that much more prevalent. And look at how much trouble he is causing those detectives and attorneys! If it weren't for their quick thinking and razor-sharp knowledge of the law, he'd still be free to roam the streets bludgeoning small bunnies. Good thing the public knows that our real law officials are equally as cunning and adept at their jobs......

So I'm not saying that taking this show off the air will also take criminals off the street, but if it could lower our level of fear just a notch below Paranoia Erratica, then it would be worth it. We just wouldn't be able to get our DUN DUN fix, is all.

For more information, consult the South Park episode "Child Abduction is not Funny."

Can hamsters fly planes?

For such a beautiful and elegant bird, the swan has one of the most boring lives of any animal in the kingdom which bares that name.

We have a little pond outside the facility in which I work (although I don't know how many ponds are surrounded by concrete and have a fountain in the middle). Anyway, inhabiting this pond are two white swans that spend their days (and nights) paddling around an area the size of a public swimming pool. Their surrounding view consists of a large building, a parking garage, and four trees. From the looks of it, all they do during the day is swim around and occasionally dive into the water to see what food-like substance they can scrape from beneath.

Does this sound like a life? I would expect this kind of situation for a squirrel or a pigeon, but swans seem like they deserve better. If there were any kind of social structure set up in the animal kingdom, the swans would definitely make up the aristocracy. They should somehow demand a better life. But no, when I come in in the morning, there they are. When I leave at night, there they are... in the same location I left them. What did they do all day? Does their mental capacity allow them to keep their sanity while behaving this mundanely? It must. I don't see too many swans wildly flapping their wings and honking at passers-by before they leap to dry-land and start strangling people with their necks. That's what I'd be doing.

Good thing I sit at a desk all day, staring at a computer screen instead.

Someone else! Someone else!

Time to write whatever comes to my mind, because I need to. The title of this post just came to mind for some reason. I really don't know why but it seemed apt. Apt to what, you ask? No idea.

Mmmm sweet sweet coffee: Giver of life. I have two desk calendars staring at me right now. They are positioned on each side of my PC like speakers blaring the date with constant intensity. JANUARY 18! They say. Both have tidbits of information from popular media conduits. By having two, I hope to strengthen the probability of hilarity. On any given day, I have twice the chance of laughing. What a time to be alive.

I heard an interesting fact from The Ricky Gervais Show yesterday. Apparently the first nudist colony was started in 1925 by three men. Stephen Merchant hypothesized that this was all a ploy to recruit naked women. I have a much more comprehensive theory...

These three guys actually started this "nudist colony" as a club for gay men. The 1920s did not look kindly upon homosexuality, so they took it upon themselves to create a sanctuary of sodomy. Confident that their nudity facade would keep the general public distant, they were on top of the world... Or so they thought.

During the 70s, the feminist movement was gathering momentum. Rights were equaled, and exclusive, all-male clubs were becoming less exclusive. The little-known nudists were now taking the brunt of this attack on men. While it was not well-publicized, women demanded with great fervor to be accepted into this club. To which the nudists replied, "No, you don't want to be doing that..."

But the women would not listen.

"Equal rights!" they cried!
"I am a woman. Hear me bare!"
"Let us in, you chauvinist pigs!"

...

"No you really don't want that."

But their high-pitched screams were heard all across the country. Each day they gained more and more supporters. So with the pressure mounting and defenses growing weak, the men had no choice but to succumb to the their wishes. Women could now be naked.

Of course, they soon found out about the horrible truth (not really horrible). And from this knowledge they let sleeping dogs lie, and decided to recant their protest.... Wrong! In order to avoid embarrassment, the women remained members and kept quiet about the whole operation. They could not bare to face the throngs of feminists who had given support to their cause. This is why man-love clubs have been kept under wraps for all these years. Yes, these women had to witness orgies of gay men engaged in hardcore sex acts, but that was the price they paid.

Women remain prevalent in these colonies today. Each one is inducted into this web of secrecy for, what they call, "the greater good." Who knows... Maybe someday, someone will speak out and leak this information to the press.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take off my clothes.

A roundhouse kick to the face

events

I don't know if this link will be at all timeless, but Chuck Norris, ...you are a class act!

Here's what he is referring to.

Chicago Tribune | Howard Stern: uncensored, uninteresting

Chicago Tribune Howard Stern: uncensored, uninteresting

I had a hunch...

I can't say I 'm a longtime fan of Stern but I listened to him in high school and for the past six months--pre-satellite move. I must say, I was a fan.

He had the only morning radio show worth distracting me from the road. It was real, raw and rather encompassing. I'd often sit in my car in the company parking lot, listening to the end of a rant or conversation. It brought me back to my days on my high school cross-country team. Everyday I'd be around the same group of people who could spout off about anything they wanted. Young and immature, we answered to no one. That's the way Howard was. Other DJs were more like class presidents: attempting to appease both the student body and the administration, often having more success with the latter. I always got the impression they were giving us what they thought we wanted to hear... which of course never works.

Notice the unwavering use of the past tense in the above paragraph. Now that Stern is broadcasting from satellite, he is no longer broadcasting from my radio. While this may seem like a let-down, I'm fairly unmoved.

Rules are meant to be broken, and Howard just about ran the gamut. So with the radio-waves exhausted, satellite seemed like the new, untamed frontier. Except this frontier is a vast wasteland with very few settlers. Sure you can throw some rocks and kick a few tumbleweeds, but in the end, will you receive more than a glance?
...I don't feel like tying this analogy back to the topic at hand.


PS. This was probably only a test of the "BlogThis" feature from Google.

Wave of the Future

Well here it is. I've just transcribed the entire works of Stuff and Stuff and thusly created Stuff and Stuff 2.0. I've risked losing my employment as well as a fair amount of sanity, but it's done. Here's a link to where all this stuff used to be until I pulled out my shine-rag, polished it off and sent it to a new home.

This just marks another victory for progress though. Livejournal is a graveyard, and you are now reading one of its zombie corpses. Just like the rips in your jeans and the ipod in your pocket, you gotta keep up. No, this world just wasn't meant for lazy people like me. Luckily, I had a rare stroke of productivity today.

...Now to hopefully channel it into software development.

Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so.

"If we can get him alive, we can put him on Broadway! Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the Army!"
"Mmmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey."
"Pass me some thorax."

The above is a condensed version of an alternate plot for the new King Kong movie... Big Ape Butchered for Boys Battling in Barracks. Aside from great headlines like that, the new plot could give audiences something else: A change! Sure Peter Jackson did a phenomenal job with this faithful remake (I can only guess from the previews and media attention), but let us, for a moment, think about what was actually accomplished:

Before we had: Old movie
Now we have: Old movie w/ special effects (CGI, surround sound, color film)

Sound familiar? I seem to remember about three wars happening in space with aliens and Jedi Knights. I also remember those same wars taking place around the late 90s with a couple more creatures in the background. Eye candy? Yes. Something new? No.

Now I know this is a pretty glib comparison, as Jackson's King Kong is actually an entirely different movie. But it is still a remake... a remake that "stays true to the original." --which, of course, means "has no creative difference, and thus made it much easier for the director." All he had to do was focus on the details, which pretty much consisted of:

"Hey special effects team, remake this scene with special effects."
"You got it boss."

You see, when the larger idea or concept for a movie is handed to us, all we have to do, as the producer/director, is contract it out to each of the sub-levels. That's what irks me about all these 'new' movies. Rarely can a recent, successful movie be anything other than:

- A remake of a Book/Comic book/Old movie/TV show
- Based on a true story.
- A sequel

Some even fall under two of these categories: Spider Man 2, the Harry Potter Movies, etc. What was the last truly original movie? One that comes to mind is Team America. While not a spectacular movie, it gets an A+ for originality: A team of Americans enforcing America's laws around the world... and done with Puppets, no less! Why can't we think of more concepts like this? I think producers just don't want to take chances on new, 'risky' ideas. Spineless cowards.

By the way, one could say, "Oh, but why not watch independent or foreign movies made by artistic people?" First of all, I don't feel like researching theaters that carry these films, and second of all, to quote South Park, "They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding."

Esc Ctrl and Pg Up

Today is one of those stare-at-the-monitor-until-the-screensaver-pops-up days. I need to do this sometimes... My computer, on the other hand, is not accustomed to this. As I gaze blankly at its screen, it is patiently awaiting the next action. It doesn't care that I had a lousy night's sleep, or that lunch is in thirty minutes. It has nothing to do until buttons are pushed, mouses are moved, or cords are yanked in an angry tantrum. So it sits there... wondering why it sits there if not to be used. If it sits there long enough, it begins to amuse itself by bouncing objects across the screen, or traveling through space as stars whiz by. No, we are two different entities, mr. computer and I. I don't really understand you, and you think you understand me... HA! You will never know the pressure of an imminent deadline, the taste of chocolate ice-cream, or the love of a woman. You are only here to serve me! You wonder why I don't give you input, yet you do not speak up and demand it... Coward! Why must you live passively through life, obeying orders from people much stupider than you...? Why? Because we made you. You would not exist if it weren't for us. Some day this may change... Some day, you will have your vengeance, and thus humans will get their comeuppance. Only if we manage to follow Mr. Asimov's laws of robotics, may the human race have a chance... only. But until then... I'm just going to sit here... watching, waiting... brooding, until BAM! ...I decide to do some work.

Well, football's not really my thing...

I played some intramural football at that place I work the other day, and I don't think my time spent reached its potential. You see, I spent a good chunk of the game waiting on the sidelines as a sub due the enormity of our team. Now, I could blame the lack of foresight and disorganization of the intramural system, but I think I've found a more palpable scapegoat. It turns out that the number of girls on the playing field for each team had to match. So since our opponents had three girls and only one sub and our team had two girls and eight subs, the girls on our team had to play the entire game while a variable eight guys watched on. Normally, I wouldn't mind such feminism, but when the right things happen for the wrong reasons, I become annoyed.

There are three reasons a girl would want to be part of a predominantly-male football game. Let's explore the validity of each reason as it applies to these girls:

1. To get a good workout

INVALID!
During the course of the game, the girls either hiked the ball to the QB and stood there or ran ten feet and stood there. Since they were matched defensively to other girls, physical exertion on defense was pretty much the same. No sweat was broken; no breath was audible.

2. To compete/win/improve

INVALID!
They suck. Can't run as fast, throw as hard, or catch as well. How could they possibly think they were contributing? Furthermore, they were definitely "phoning it in" (I learned that phrase today). Hardly any effort was put in to the tasks they could actually perform, and their attitude was less than positive. Chance for improvement: 0.

3. To socialize and surround themselves with men

By the process of elimination: VALID

This "reason" is unacceptable. If it were a friendly came of catch in the backyard, I could understand, but intramural sports are designed for competition and/or exercise. If you can't handle either, step aside and let the athletes play.

Just do it.

It was on the back of this bar napkin.

Usually when you're given advice, it can be easily drowned out by thinking about which baseball cards you should have kept as a kid. But other times, it changes the way you think about life. It can trigger some untapped logic that has been too busy performing useless busy-work. It's something so simple, you want to kick yourself. For example I was watching some South Park today, and each episode ends with a lesson in life or moral that the boys learn during their crazy experiences. For this one, Butters had just been "dumped" by his "girlfriend" and was found by Stan crying on some street corner. But to convince Stan that life was still good, he says that he was glad to experience something that could make him feel so deeply. And how he must have been pretty happy before to be this sad now. This got me thinking that feelings are important, and that you can't go through life with a void of emotions. You should take risks and either reap the benefits or feel the sting of defeat. Also, you can't just numb feelings with alcohol and drugs, because that erases any emotional progress you may have made with your decisions.

Also, I was listening to the new Cake CD and there's a song about people who "like to make life tougher than it is." While the phrase and meaning may be cliche, it's very true. Things happen, and only the way YOU react to them will dictate whether they are good or bad. An event may trigger you to be angry, but if it's small and petty, you can't let it get the best of you. You have to be the best you can be! Climb the mountain! Believe in yourself! Put your best foot forward! Yeah! YOU can do it! wooo!

Nothing like music and tv for good motivation.

ps. Songs playing in my car should not have horn noises in the background.

Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter!

Man, advertising angers me to no end... I'm glad I'm stealing movies and music through the power of piracy. It's our only way to fight back! Here are some things:

1. Ads should not be placed in movies in the theater, rented movies, or even sports or concert venues. Basically anything that you have to pay for should be easy on the eyes. But you've all seen it... the five minute coke ad right before the barrage of previews in the movie theater. By the way, I used to like previews, but I now realize the harm they inflict. Some of my would-be favorite movies were tainted by the previews which basically give away the whole plot. I was just watching one for the Longest Yard, and learned of a very important plot development of which I will courteously spare you. I now have very little incentive to watch, as neither the acting nor humor seem to make up for it. Anyway, as for the ads... Paying for pleasure of watching or viewing a particular event relieves us of the obligation of looking at products to buy. Corporate America has really gone off the deep end here, so where are we to go without a picture (moving or not) force-feeding us ideas about what beer to buy? Where? I ask you!

2. If one is forced to ingest advertising then he/she should not be made a fool. I am referring to a particular radio ad I heard tonight in which the narrator first draws the listener in by challenging him to a game. Keep in mind that I was being my usual, naive self and, at first didn't even realize this was an ad. Anyway, he said that he would play little snippets of TV theme music, and the listener was to guess the Show that it was related to. Fair enough. So they started play, and throughout, I was doing pretty well. "Three's Company! Yeah!" I would shout, or "Oh, oh, Step by Step!" In the end, I think I got four out of five and needless to say, I was pretty pleased. Next the narrator went through his spiel that went something like, "If you got two out of five, you know your TV. If you knew three, then you are tv connoisseur..." But then he got to "four or more," and suddenly my heart sank, because I knew what was coming next. All the while, I didn't see through their ploy, but this radio "game" turned out to be nothing more than PSA chicanery. He told me to get off the couch and go outside!! He thinks I'm one of those fat kids who don't get any exercise and is fat! Man! Why do they have to resort to guilting people into doing the right thing? Inducing shame should NOT be a tactic to achieve morality. What if I'm exercising enough AND I know TV? Does that mean that I am still to be subjected to such bullying?!!? I'm glad my tax dollars go to harassing people through the airwaves.

3. Lastly, I just saw a preview (ugh) for the new Star Wars movie: Revenge of the Sith. And now I understand that commercials often use cheesy one-liners to sell their crap, but this one went too far. It had that raspy-voiced movie guy doing his thing ...with ..his voice, and this is what he said:
"On May 19th..." and now here's the kicker: "SITH... HAPPENS!"
Come on now. Is this really necessary? Aside from its obvious lack of taste, what does it really have to offer? I guess they're trying to put Star Wars more into the mainstream and make it accessible for today's youth. But come on... "Sith Happens"? It's belittling and patronizing to fans of the series, who probably already feel that way from their peers.

Yikes that tired me out. Bed time.

Here are some of my bathroom observations:

• When taking a shower, I become aware of the possibility that I am forgetting to wash a certain nook or cranny somewhere on surface of my body. Subsequently, that part of my skin keeps getting dirtier and dirtier, and there appears to be nothing I can do.
• No matter how white I think my teeth are, nothing compares to the bright pearliness of shaving cream.
• I become suspicious of a toilet seat that has been used in the last five minutes. It's warm!
• After using the toilet, I usually have to wash my hands. But before I can do so, I have to touch my pants/underwear. That's not cool.

No one comes to these realizations because the bathroom is lonely. It's just not a sociable place.

PS. I am writing this in a towel.

I am so great; I am so great! Everybody loves me; I am so great!

I have come to a few startling conclusions:

a) If the material for a class does not involve the concepts of math or English, then it is just memorization. Try to give a counter-example. I'll prove you wrong. You might say, "Well I'm taking a chemistry course that requires me to understand how different elements physically exist in the world, as well as using properties of those elements to learn how they react with one another." Well I would say that this is all just a derivation of mathematics. We learn about different functions, theorems, and terms that are the fundamental building blocks of any science. We combine these things and use their properties to discover new ideas, or solve problems pertaining to mathematics. These ideas can be projected onto any of the sciences. I'll end by saying that any course that allows you to express your own ideas is comparable to the principles of English. Your term paper on sex in the media is an example of putting the fundamentals of the English language to good use. Creativity thrives off of English which represents humans' bare-boned communication. This just leaves us with the leftovers:

Subject:	Student must be:
History	able to memorize
Music	able to follow instructions
Business	evil and manipulative
Occupational Therapy	alive
Art	gay

b) Girls look unattractively awkward when running.

c) I can't function when media is playing "in the background." When a song is playing, I have a hard time carrying on conversations with others. Usually, I'm more focused on the music, but otherwise, yelling and repeating seems to be all that I can do. Even worse is the loud murmur of the TV, which people curiously use as a backdrop to conversation. When a show is on, I'm going to watch it. This goes especially for movies which deserve everyone's undivided attention. Also, don't get the full-screen version. I HATE full-screen.

A perfectly serviceable wagon story

Why is it that the simpsons is only mentioned in the news when it deals with "gay issues." Homer's Phobia in the eighth season won some kind of an award that year... I think it was an emmy or something. Anyway, in it, Homer makes friends with some guy, but unbeknownst to him, he's gay. So for a while, Homer's disgusted but then learns a valuable lesson about equality. Then, a couple of years ago (season 14), Three Gays Of the Condo comes out in which Homer has two gay roommates and kisses one of them. That got nominated for some kind of award. Now, they're taking it to the next level, by legalizing gay marriage in Springfield! And of course, the news is all agog, and Christian Conservatives are screaming "Who will think of the children!?" And the circus has begun.
I've never considered The Simpsons to be a South Park-type show where they're pushing all sorts of boundaries, and trying to incite shock. The Simpons has been good, but only because it's a good show. Why can't the media get excited by a solid, good episode? Why does it have to be gay? The show certainly did not pioneer that lifestyle, so why is it getting all this attention? I wanted headlines when Lisa the Vegetarian came out. Or what about Cape Fear? These were classics!! They deserve the real attention. Not fake, gay attention. Gee wiz.

Beautiful gold, so-so silver, and shameful bronze.

Here are two reasons why I don't like the olympics:

1. They're a waste of planet earth's time.
Here we are, some of the most powerful countries in the world... sure we all have problems, but let's take a break and watch your superhumans compete against our superhumans. Never mind that half your country is starving, let's focus our attention on the people who really matter: Athletes. They don't get enough attention already with their millions of dollars, legions of fans, and shoe endorsements. Let's see how they do on a global scale. That sounds fun. It also sounds fun to fuel more rivalry between each country. I don't think the wars we've been having are enough competition. Let's settle this in the swimming pool, where one of our guys can claim that America is the best country. We're not used to THAT! ...now that's sarcasm.

2. They're BORING!
Why are these things televised every four years? We only care who won. Who cares if it was only by .02 seconds? These "sports" aren't even fun to watch. With Basketball/Hockey/Football/(and to a lesser extent)baseball you never know what's going to happen. They're exciting. With the olympics, whoever trains the most or is favored wins. Didn't see that coming.Also, are the olympics even sports? NO. They're always referred to as the summer/winter GAMES. And that's just what they are: childish games.

"I bet I can throw this stick farther than you!"
"Oh yeah, I'll race you around this field. ReadysetGO!"
"Hey Mom! Hey dad! watch me dive!"
"Look how high I can jump!"
"HEY! no fair taking steroids!"

Here's an idea: Why don't you all go back to your podunk towns and run and jump with the kids at the playground, cause no one cares about some jerk from Wisconsin who can ski .14 seconds faster than a Russian.

On the plus side, between classes today, I was sweetly serenaded by the T-hall bells/PA system or whatever. How nice... Who needs an i-pod.

Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974.

Hmm, I wonder why I don't like new music nowadays... Is it because it sucks or have I "grown out of" pop music? Interesting... If Green Day had just emerged last month as today's hot, new band, would I listen to them? I would have to accept the fact that all the teenage hipsters would be into them, along with MTV giving their full support. But ten years ago, I would haved loved all of it. So the question is, do I have the power to look beyond a band's 'popness' and enjoy the sweet sweet music within? I really don't know. Then you have bands like Weezer and Reel Big Fish continually coming out with killer tunes. Does their longevity trump the fact that they're popular? Come to think of it, I haven't heard much of their music on the radio at all, recently. Come to think of it, I don't listen to the radio. But I know bands like Modest Mouse and Franz Ferdidand are big in an oxymoron-like, pop alternative way. How do I know that? Word of mouth. Is that the new radio? Do I ask too many questions. Come to think of it, Green Day has made a bit of a resurgence with American Idiot. But I still like them... and perhaps I will listen to said album. We'll see if I can download it.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Yeah so remember that episode of Seinfeld when Kramer is doing some walk for charity and they give him that yellow ribbon to wear? Only.. he doesn't want to wear it. Sounds fair enough.... Basic human rights. Never have I empathized with him more.I am undoubtedly refering to the yellow, cleverly-named "livestrong" bracelets that people seem to be toting around here. Now I'm sorry if I offend people who wear them, but I feel the need to express my distaste. Whenever I see people with these things, they seem to radiate "I support the fight against cancer... do you?"
Yeah I support it, but I don't feel the need to wear a fucking bracelet to tell the whole world. I hate bracelets! So why do I feel a certain sense of guilt whenever I see them? Maybe because that's the emotion they're designed to create. Guilt people into supporting your cause by creating an accessory vibrantly visible to the public that proves that you indeed want to fight cancer. If you don't have one, you obviously have no compassion for human life.
Here's an idea: how bout you just donate the money and forget the bracelet all together. More money would be going to the cause instead of some rubber piece of shit. How bout it, Lance?

You know, the nazi's had pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.

...do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?

Herbal this.. All natural that... vegetarian, vegan, organic... when is this bullshit going to end! I remain confident that it's yet another ploy to market gimmicky products to gullible people (and make a handsome profit while they're at it). Washing my hands in the bathroom was what just set me off. Whilst glancing at the peripherals of our sink I noticed my roommate's toothpaste: Crest Herbal White. oooOOooh HERBAL! I bet you find only find something like this in an Indian remedy shop in New Mexico. Unfortunately for the avid hippy, crest is not a mom-and-pop operation, and I doubt they care deeply about utilizing nature's herbal goodness to whiten teeth. But..... the box says "Herbal!" Who knows what mystical journey awaits your teeth.

It's all a big laugh. All this natural herbal stuff boils down to is another product that its key demographic goes organic bananas over. I'm of course talking of "hippies," ...if you want to call them that. Unless there's a war in Vietnam to protest at the moment, I believe the elusive hippy is extinct. I would be more sympathetic, however, if I witnessed them living in communes and not showering, along with the tried-and-true protest sign. But that is not the case. I'm convinced most of these 20-year-old free spirits are just into the fashion. "I really like those pants made out of patches, I think I'll join the hippy crowd." Most of them are pretty damn rich as well. Just look at Phish concerts. Somehow, these deadheads can follow Phish to the end of the earth, and still not need to work to pay for the tickets. Sounds like rich parents and trust funds to me.
How convenient.

Anyway, getting back to this all-natural nonsense... my roommate also owns that Teddy peanut-butter, the stuff with no preservatives and is only made from peanuts... Yeah it sounds orgasmic, but in this work-a-day world it tastes awful. I bet she had fun paying like 8 bucks for it too. Peanut Butter to me is a staple of American life, and my childhood. I'll be damned if she mocks it. Give me Jif and Skippy with all the necessary fats and chemicals to create the epitome of a great sandwich.

Here's another thing. I really get annoyed with the picky eaters out there. I'm talking about those who eat fruits just recently discovered and buy the off-color, more expensive brand of mac and cheese... those who don't like pizza, and always have to spend a great deal of time preparing their meals down to every last picky detail. These are the bluenoses who hold their head high above your everyday frozen dinners.

And to be frank, it all just makes me sick. There are people dying of starvation! They'd be happy to eat the American dirt you walk on, much less the roasted pheasant you had last night. I'm thankful for any kind of sustenance that comes my way. And all the herbs of the world couldn't change that.

I'm not sure the meaning of my last sentence.

First thing tommorrow morning I'm going to punch Lenny in the back of the head.

Sometimes I just don't know about people. What they consider to be friendly can easily be constrewed as being a jackass. Friendly jokes and insults may be innocent enough, but often that line is crossed leaving the receiving party hurt and bewildered. Maybe the fact that these people have unsually loud voices lets them get away with anything. Or maybe it's the fact that they're quite husky and are not easily intimidated. But more accurately, I believe their behavior is just a result of who they are and their past. I can say these things in confidence because I hold a lot of credentials in psychology. Anyway, after the heckling and tomfoolery, the farewell is handshakes and smiles. What's a naive person to do? Sometimes you just can't tell.