Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so.

"If we can get him alive, we can put him on Broadway! Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the Army!"
"Mmmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey."
"Pass me some thorax."

The above is a condensed version of an alternate plot for the new King Kong movie... Big Ape Butchered for Boys Battling in Barracks. Aside from great headlines like that, the new plot could give audiences something else: A change! Sure Peter Jackson did a phenomenal job with this faithful remake (I can only guess from the previews and media attention), but let us, for a moment, think about what was actually accomplished:

Before we had: Old movie
Now we have: Old movie w/ special effects (CGI, surround sound, color film)

Sound familiar? I seem to remember about three wars happening in space with aliens and Jedi Knights. I also remember those same wars taking place around the late 90s with a couple more creatures in the background. Eye candy? Yes. Something new? No.

Now I know this is a pretty glib comparison, as Jackson's King Kong is actually an entirely different movie. But it is still a remake... a remake that "stays true to the original." --which, of course, means "has no creative difference, and thus made it much easier for the director." All he had to do was focus on the details, which pretty much consisted of:

"Hey special effects team, remake this scene with special effects."
"You got it boss."

You see, when the larger idea or concept for a movie is handed to us, all we have to do, as the producer/director, is contract it out to each of the sub-levels. That's what irks me about all these 'new' movies. Rarely can a recent, successful movie be anything other than:

- A remake of a Book/Comic book/Old movie/TV show
- Based on a true story.
- A sequel

Some even fall under two of these categories: Spider Man 2, the Harry Potter Movies, etc. What was the last truly original movie? One that comes to mind is Team America. While not a spectacular movie, it gets an A+ for originality: A team of Americans enforcing America's laws around the world... and done with Puppets, no less! Why can't we think of more concepts like this? I think producers just don't want to take chances on new, 'risky' ideas. Spineless cowards.

By the way, one could say, "Oh, but why not watch independent or foreign movies made by artistic people?" First of all, I don't feel like researching theaters that carry these films, and second of all, to quote South Park, "They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding."

Esc Ctrl and Pg Up

Today is one of those stare-at-the-monitor-until-the-screensaver-pops-up days. I need to do this sometimes... My computer, on the other hand, is not accustomed to this. As I gaze blankly at its screen, it is patiently awaiting the next action. It doesn't care that I had a lousy night's sleep, or that lunch is in thirty minutes. It has nothing to do until buttons are pushed, mouses are moved, or cords are yanked in an angry tantrum. So it sits there... wondering why it sits there if not to be used. If it sits there long enough, it begins to amuse itself by bouncing objects across the screen, or traveling through space as stars whiz by. No, we are two different entities, mr. computer and I. I don't really understand you, and you think you understand me... HA! You will never know the pressure of an imminent deadline, the taste of chocolate ice-cream, or the love of a woman. You are only here to serve me! You wonder why I don't give you input, yet you do not speak up and demand it... Coward! Why must you live passively through life, obeying orders from people much stupider than you...? Why? Because we made you. You would not exist if it weren't for us. Some day this may change... Some day, you will have your vengeance, and thus humans will get their comeuppance. Only if we manage to follow Mr. Asimov's laws of robotics, may the human race have a chance... only. But until then... I'm just going to sit here... watching, waiting... brooding, until BAM! ...I decide to do some work.

Well, football's not really my thing...

I played some intramural football at that place I work the other day, and I don't think my time spent reached its potential. You see, I spent a good chunk of the game waiting on the sidelines as a sub due the enormity of our team. Now, I could blame the lack of foresight and disorganization of the intramural system, but I think I've found a more palpable scapegoat. It turns out that the number of girls on the playing field for each team had to match. So since our opponents had three girls and only one sub and our team had two girls and eight subs, the girls on our team had to play the entire game while a variable eight guys watched on. Normally, I wouldn't mind such feminism, but when the right things happen for the wrong reasons, I become annoyed.

There are three reasons a girl would want to be part of a predominantly-male football game. Let's explore the validity of each reason as it applies to these girls:

1. To get a good workout

INVALID!
During the course of the game, the girls either hiked the ball to the QB and stood there or ran ten feet and stood there. Since they were matched defensively to other girls, physical exertion on defense was pretty much the same. No sweat was broken; no breath was audible.

2. To compete/win/improve

INVALID!
They suck. Can't run as fast, throw as hard, or catch as well. How could they possibly think they were contributing? Furthermore, they were definitely "phoning it in" (I learned that phrase today). Hardly any effort was put in to the tasks they could actually perform, and their attitude was less than positive. Chance for improvement: 0.

3. To socialize and surround themselves with men

By the process of elimination: VALID

This "reason" is unacceptable. If it were a friendly came of catch in the backyard, I could understand, but intramural sports are designed for competition and/or exercise. If you can't handle either, step aside and let the athletes play.

Just do it.

It was on the back of this bar napkin.

Usually when you're given advice, it can be easily drowned out by thinking about which baseball cards you should have kept as a kid. But other times, it changes the way you think about life. It can trigger some untapped logic that has been too busy performing useless busy-work. It's something so simple, you want to kick yourself. For example I was watching some South Park today, and each episode ends with a lesson in life or moral that the boys learn during their crazy experiences. For this one, Butters had just been "dumped" by his "girlfriend" and was found by Stan crying on some street corner. But to convince Stan that life was still good, he says that he was glad to experience something that could make him feel so deeply. And how he must have been pretty happy before to be this sad now. This got me thinking that feelings are important, and that you can't go through life with a void of emotions. You should take risks and either reap the benefits or feel the sting of defeat. Also, you can't just numb feelings with alcohol and drugs, because that erases any emotional progress you may have made with your decisions.

Also, I was listening to the new Cake CD and there's a song about people who "like to make life tougher than it is." While the phrase and meaning may be cliche, it's very true. Things happen, and only the way YOU react to them will dictate whether they are good or bad. An event may trigger you to be angry, but if it's small and petty, you can't let it get the best of you. You have to be the best you can be! Climb the mountain! Believe in yourself! Put your best foot forward! Yeah! YOU can do it! wooo!

Nothing like music and tv for good motivation.

ps. Songs playing in my car should not have horn noises in the background.

Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter!

Man, advertising angers me to no end... I'm glad I'm stealing movies and music through the power of piracy. It's our only way to fight back! Here are some things:

1. Ads should not be placed in movies in the theater, rented movies, or even sports or concert venues. Basically anything that you have to pay for should be easy on the eyes. But you've all seen it... the five minute coke ad right before the barrage of previews in the movie theater. By the way, I used to like previews, but I now realize the harm they inflict. Some of my would-be favorite movies were tainted by the previews which basically give away the whole plot. I was just watching one for the Longest Yard, and learned of a very important plot development of which I will courteously spare you. I now have very little incentive to watch, as neither the acting nor humor seem to make up for it. Anyway, as for the ads... Paying for pleasure of watching or viewing a particular event relieves us of the obligation of looking at products to buy. Corporate America has really gone off the deep end here, so where are we to go without a picture (moving or not) force-feeding us ideas about what beer to buy? Where? I ask you!

2. If one is forced to ingest advertising then he/she should not be made a fool. I am referring to a particular radio ad I heard tonight in which the narrator first draws the listener in by challenging him to a game. Keep in mind that I was being my usual, naive self and, at first didn't even realize this was an ad. Anyway, he said that he would play little snippets of TV theme music, and the listener was to guess the Show that it was related to. Fair enough. So they started play, and throughout, I was doing pretty well. "Three's Company! Yeah!" I would shout, or "Oh, oh, Step by Step!" In the end, I think I got four out of five and needless to say, I was pretty pleased. Next the narrator went through his spiel that went something like, "If you got two out of five, you know your TV. If you knew three, then you are tv connoisseur..." But then he got to "four or more," and suddenly my heart sank, because I knew what was coming next. All the while, I didn't see through their ploy, but this radio "game" turned out to be nothing more than PSA chicanery. He told me to get off the couch and go outside!! He thinks I'm one of those fat kids who don't get any exercise and is fat! Man! Why do they have to resort to guilting people into doing the right thing? Inducing shame should NOT be a tactic to achieve morality. What if I'm exercising enough AND I know TV? Does that mean that I am still to be subjected to such bullying?!!? I'm glad my tax dollars go to harassing people through the airwaves.

3. Lastly, I just saw a preview (ugh) for the new Star Wars movie: Revenge of the Sith. And now I understand that commercials often use cheesy one-liners to sell their crap, but this one went too far. It had that raspy-voiced movie guy doing his thing ...with ..his voice, and this is what he said:
"On May 19th..." and now here's the kicker: "SITH... HAPPENS!"
Come on now. Is this really necessary? Aside from its obvious lack of taste, what does it really have to offer? I guess they're trying to put Star Wars more into the mainstream and make it accessible for today's youth. But come on... "Sith Happens"? It's belittling and patronizing to fans of the series, who probably already feel that way from their peers.

Yikes that tired me out. Bed time.

Here are some of my bathroom observations:

• When taking a shower, I become aware of the possibility that I am forgetting to wash a certain nook or cranny somewhere on surface of my body. Subsequently, that part of my skin keeps getting dirtier and dirtier, and there appears to be nothing I can do.
• No matter how white I think my teeth are, nothing compares to the bright pearliness of shaving cream.
• I become suspicious of a toilet seat that has been used in the last five minutes. It's warm!
• After using the toilet, I usually have to wash my hands. But before I can do so, I have to touch my pants/underwear. That's not cool.

No one comes to these realizations because the bathroom is lonely. It's just not a sociable place.

PS. I am writing this in a towel.

I am so great; I am so great! Everybody loves me; I am so great!

I have come to a few startling conclusions:

a) If the material for a class does not involve the concepts of math or English, then it is just memorization. Try to give a counter-example. I'll prove you wrong. You might say, "Well I'm taking a chemistry course that requires me to understand how different elements physically exist in the world, as well as using properties of those elements to learn how they react with one another." Well I would say that this is all just a derivation of mathematics. We learn about different functions, theorems, and terms that are the fundamental building blocks of any science. We combine these things and use their properties to discover new ideas, or solve problems pertaining to mathematics. These ideas can be projected onto any of the sciences. I'll end by saying that any course that allows you to express your own ideas is comparable to the principles of English. Your term paper on sex in the media is an example of putting the fundamentals of the English language to good use. Creativity thrives off of English which represents humans' bare-boned communication. This just leaves us with the leftovers:

Subject:	Student must be:
History	able to memorize
Music	able to follow instructions
Business	evil and manipulative
Occupational Therapy	alive
Art	gay

b) Girls look unattractively awkward when running.

c) I can't function when media is playing "in the background." When a song is playing, I have a hard time carrying on conversations with others. Usually, I'm more focused on the music, but otherwise, yelling and repeating seems to be all that I can do. Even worse is the loud murmur of the TV, which people curiously use as a backdrop to conversation. When a show is on, I'm going to watch it. This goes especially for movies which deserve everyone's undivided attention. Also, don't get the full-screen version. I HATE full-screen.

A perfectly serviceable wagon story

Why is it that the simpsons is only mentioned in the news when it deals with "gay issues." Homer's Phobia in the eighth season won some kind of an award that year... I think it was an emmy or something. Anyway, in it, Homer makes friends with some guy, but unbeknownst to him, he's gay. So for a while, Homer's disgusted but then learns a valuable lesson about equality. Then, a couple of years ago (season 14), Three Gays Of the Condo comes out in which Homer has two gay roommates and kisses one of them. That got nominated for some kind of award. Now, they're taking it to the next level, by legalizing gay marriage in Springfield! And of course, the news is all agog, and Christian Conservatives are screaming "Who will think of the children!?" And the circus has begun.
I've never considered The Simpsons to be a South Park-type show where they're pushing all sorts of boundaries, and trying to incite shock. The Simpons has been good, but only because it's a good show. Why can't the media get excited by a solid, good episode? Why does it have to be gay? The show certainly did not pioneer that lifestyle, so why is it getting all this attention? I wanted headlines when Lisa the Vegetarian came out. Or what about Cape Fear? These were classics!! They deserve the real attention. Not fake, gay attention. Gee wiz.

Beautiful gold, so-so silver, and shameful bronze.

Here are two reasons why I don't like the olympics:

1. They're a waste of planet earth's time.
Here we are, some of the most powerful countries in the world... sure we all have problems, but let's take a break and watch your superhumans compete against our superhumans. Never mind that half your country is starving, let's focus our attention on the people who really matter: Athletes. They don't get enough attention already with their millions of dollars, legions of fans, and shoe endorsements. Let's see how they do on a global scale. That sounds fun. It also sounds fun to fuel more rivalry between each country. I don't think the wars we've been having are enough competition. Let's settle this in the swimming pool, where one of our guys can claim that America is the best country. We're not used to THAT! ...now that's sarcasm.

2. They're BORING!
Why are these things televised every four years? We only care who won. Who cares if it was only by .02 seconds? These "sports" aren't even fun to watch. With Basketball/Hockey/Football/(and to a lesser extent)baseball you never know what's going to happen. They're exciting. With the olympics, whoever trains the most or is favored wins. Didn't see that coming.Also, are the olympics even sports? NO. They're always referred to as the summer/winter GAMES. And that's just what they are: childish games.

"I bet I can throw this stick farther than you!"
"Oh yeah, I'll race you around this field. ReadysetGO!"
"Hey Mom! Hey dad! watch me dive!"
"Look how high I can jump!"
"HEY! no fair taking steroids!"

Here's an idea: Why don't you all go back to your podunk towns and run and jump with the kids at the playground, cause no one cares about some jerk from Wisconsin who can ski .14 seconds faster than a Russian.

On the plus side, between classes today, I was sweetly serenaded by the T-hall bells/PA system or whatever. How nice... Who needs an i-pod.