Children! Children! Future! Future!

You ever stop to consider the disparity between a holiday as an adult and that same holiday as a kid? Well I have! Right now, in fact. And if you'll allow me to illustrate...

New Years

As a kid: You stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop on TV
As an adult: You stay up until 4 in the morning at some club/bar/party looking for that "new year's kiss."

Birthday

As a kid: Wooo I'm getting older... and presents!
As an adult: Booo I'm getting older... but presents!

Valentine's Day

As a kid: You buy every kid in your class a valentine... Every kid.
As an Adult: For couples, you're in for some lovin'. For others, you're cursing St. Valentine until my throat is sore.

St. Patrick's Day

As a kid: You eat green cookies and believe in leprechauns
As an adult: You drink green beer and believe that you're Irish.

Easter

As a kid: You hunt for pastel-colored eggs and eat a chocolate bunny.
As an adult: You ponder the relationship between Bunnies and Jesus coming back from the dead.

Independence Day

As a kid: You go into town to watch the local fireworks display.
As an adult: You try to lift your head high enough to watch the fireworks while you drunkenly scream "GO AMERICA" by an ever-advancing bon-fire.

Columbus Day

As a kid: You learn both sides to the story of Columbus.
As an adult: Three-day weekend!

Halloween:

As a kid: You accost the homes of strangers in the attempt to obtain candy or the thrill of vandalism.
As an adult: After you duct-tape some beer-boxes to your torso, you attend parties with girls wearing only thin strips of cloth and a pair of red horns passing themselves off as "devils" (P.S. you're probably in college).

Thanksgiving

As a kid: relatives and food
As an adult: relatives and food.

Christmas

As a kid: You wait the whole month in anticipation of tons of presents you actually want but do not deserve.
As an adult: December 25th = Great! December 1-24 = Hell.


PS. My apologies to Jews, Muslims, Kwanzians, etc. I only have nostalgia for Christian Holidays. Maybe in another life...

The airplane's upside down

So I was at the post office this morning, mailing things that need to be mailed. If you have multiple, consecutive engagements or "work" during the day, you are always hard-pressed to find time to go to the post office. I just don't get it. Why would a business that caters to the general public avail themselves when the public is least available? Waking up early just to mail a letter doesn't sit well with me. Maybe electronic mail has spoiled me with it's glitzy convenience. By the way, this goes for banks too. If only they realized the lucrative possibility of Sunday hours... they would make real bank.

Getting back to my trip and away from terrible puns, along with mailing stuff, I had to buy stamps. Because of the recent price-hike from 37 to 39 cents, my old book of stamps was essentially worthless. Plus I lost them. Anyway, the infernal vending machine wasn't working, so I was forced to engage socially with the wisecracking postal clerk who kept hilariously putting the cost of each item at three million dollars. After laughing sheepishly, I was presented with three choices of stamps: a purple outline of a dove; a drawing of two birds kissing; or the statue of liberty in front of the American flag. Now I usually don't care what others think of me, but I just woke up and had a strong yearning to do what was easiest, so I settled on the Statue. But while walking back to my car, I realized what had just happened... the hornswoggling of me by the government. Their ingenious ploy became clearer than a cup of beer on dollar-draft night: to convert all men into flag-toting, war-supporting Americati. Never underestimate a man's reluctance to reveal evidence of a non-existent homosexuality. As we all know, birds, both purple and kissing, pale in comparison to... pretty much any inanimate object. In this case, it was a green statue with a star-spangled banner. Now, every Johnny Recipient in my list of contacts will be aware of how patriotic and Bush-supporting I am. Thanks government! Keep on tapping my phone and restricting my freedoms too! Make sure that I never have the least bit of dissent in this wonderful country of yours.

You're probably just pouting from America's crappy performance in the World Baseball Classic.