Cavernous Notions

If a friend of mine ever buys a Mustang, I'm going to call him "Mustang Sally"... only to show my envy.

I bet most of celebrity blindness is caused by confusing the sun for a spotlight.

Whenever I hear someone running up behind me, I think, "well, this is it!" But after I see the jogger pass by, I wish him well.

Geese are the ninjas of the ornithological world.

Since cab drivers can pick up both men and women, does that make them bisexual?

"Let them eat cake" is the tastiest famous quotation.

A human head on a spike is just a failed attempt at a totem pole.

A pile of dead bunnies is pretty sad... but it's not the saddest thing.

I would become a sailor only for the nautical metaphors.

If I were to submit a painting of mine to a museum, I would first cut it up into a jigsaw puzzle... just to make them work for my inspiration.

So Annoying...in..the Morning

• DVD Menus - Alright, we get it. You can animate titles, fade in and out, and add startling sound-bytes. It's all very impressive. But it prevents me from doing one thing: watching the content. Having to wait for words to stop moving so that I can actually select them is a huge waste of time. It was neat back in the late 90s when DVDS were new and hip, but ten years later it only hinders and annoys. Also, stop billing these "Interactive Menus" as special features on the cover. Their absence from the DVD would now be a special feature.


• Bands Reuniting - Not long ago, The Police reunited to perform at the Grammy's. After which, they announced a world tour or whatever. Having never really listened to the Police, I can safely say we don't need them around again (can't argue with that logic). They must have broken up for a reason, so why get back together? Do they miss the limelight? Do they miss the $$? Will they even have new material? I think it's just a sham that preys on hype and nostalgia.


• "Gifts" from Charities - What do the United Way and The Sopranos have in common? If you answered 'extortion', then you must have incurred the same form of intimidation I did from some stupid charity. This particular form involves receiving personalized address labels in the mail described as "Our gift to you." They usually come around Christmas time when the season is ripe for the giving. This seems innocent enough, except they also ask you for a donation... completely optional of course, but this is not unlike the mob doing you a "favor" by offering you their protection. I'm afraid that if I use one of these stickers without contributing to their cause, a brick will come crashing through my window later that night. I can see the headlines now: "Baseball Bat with March of Dimes Logo Found Near Pair of Broken Knees"


• Buying Reduced Fat or Diet Crap by Accident - Scenario: "You stop by a local Kwik-E-Mart to buy a drink. You grab the first Snapple Lemon Iced-Tea you see and buy it from the clerk. You then unscrew the cap, take a sip, and almost simultaneously spew it back out into the face of an oncoming stranger. You then inspect the bottle looking for the words "Battery Acid" and instead find "Diet". Come on, Soft-drink companies! Differentiate your soda from your crap by at least changing the color of the bottle...


• Obnoxiously Bright Headlights - Traffic nightmare #2698. Remember when you used to position your watch so that it would reflect blinding light upon your little brother's face? Well, the adult version of this annoyance is those bright white headlights equipped on some cars. These emit the kind of light you have to rotate your mirrors downward while driving in order to avoid. I'm usually not in favor of government regulations, but this should be punishable by death.


• Commercials Stealing Every-day Phrases - Just this morning, I used the phrase "Good call" to show my appreciation of an action made by my coworker... a phrase I have been using for as long as I can remember. But not long after I said it, did I recall a certain beer company using the same words as a tagline in their commercials. Now, whenever I say those words, I feel as though I'm a walking, talking advertisement for this beer. Not cool. Hopefully, a company doesn't start using "I f***ing hate Miller Lite" as their new slogan, because then I'd be really screwed...