The guy who eats people and takes their faces

If one is looking for something to blame for the ills of society, may I suggest that he look no further than the television series Law and Order. Note: there are many things to blame; I just have good reasoning for this one.

I never really started watching the series until a few months ago. It was always too serious for me. Characters using their fancy-pants criminal justice words didn't seem that entertaining to me. That and you really had to pay attention because they spoke too fast, and when I watch TV, I want to relax. It's difficult to unwind to suspects getting arrested then subsequently convicted all in the span of an hour.

Anyway, now that I do watch it, I can't help but become enthralled with each episode. TV-land does have a shortage of plot-rich shows, so L&O makes up for that pretty well. I'd bet it would be a great learning tool for criminal justice majors too, because I can only assume it's accurate from all the police-work, courtroom jargon. So maybe the show should be confined to a closed-circuit station available only to learned institutions, because it's not doing much good to the general public.

Why you ask? My theory comes from one if its many offshoots: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Firstly, I don't know why the producers thought that sexually-based crimes would be a source of entertainment, but the show's popularity proves otherwise. Maybe it's the feeling of watching the heroic, headstrong protagonists bring justice to the most "heinous" of offenders, or maybe there's a throng of perverts with some spare time looking for tips on how to avoid being caught. Either way the problem with this show is two-fold:

A. Many of the episodes give the impression that these rapists and molesters are all around us. This just boosts society's overall level of fear from "Hey, how you doin'?" to "Hey, who the hell are you really?!" Example: Male teachers applying for elementary school teaching jobs. Normal men end up either not getting hired or getting harassed by "concerned" parents... simply for their Y chromosome. Consequently, almost all K-3 teachers are women, even though it's been shown that at that age, boys need a male role-model to look up to. But now that male must be a pedophile if he wants to teach first grade. SVU tipped us all off!

B. THE SHOW IS ON TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY ...or so it seems. Turn on the TV any time during the day, and you will be in the company of a sleazy criminal. This only makes their existence that much more prevalent. And look at how much trouble he is causing those detectives and attorneys! If it weren't for their quick thinking and razor-sharp knowledge of the law, he'd still be free to roam the streets bludgeoning small bunnies. Good thing the public knows that our real law officials are equally as cunning and adept at their jobs......

So I'm not saying that taking this show off the air will also take criminals off the street, but if it could lower our level of fear just a notch below Paranoia Erratica, then it would be worth it. We just wouldn't be able to get our DUN DUN fix, is all.

For more information, consult the South Park episode "Child Abduction is not Funny."

Can hamsters fly planes?

For such a beautiful and elegant bird, the swan has one of the most boring lives of any animal in the kingdom which bares that name.

We have a little pond outside the facility in which I work (although I don't know how many ponds are surrounded by concrete and have a fountain in the middle). Anyway, inhabiting this pond are two white swans that spend their days (and nights) paddling around an area the size of a public swimming pool. Their surrounding view consists of a large building, a parking garage, and four trees. From the looks of it, all they do during the day is swim around and occasionally dive into the water to see what food-like substance they can scrape from beneath.

Does this sound like a life? I would expect this kind of situation for a squirrel or a pigeon, but swans seem like they deserve better. If there were any kind of social structure set up in the animal kingdom, the swans would definitely make up the aristocracy. They should somehow demand a better life. But no, when I come in in the morning, there they are. When I leave at night, there they are... in the same location I left them. What did they do all day? Does their mental capacity allow them to keep their sanity while behaving this mundanely? It must. I don't see too many swans wildly flapping their wings and honking at passers-by before they leap to dry-land and start strangling people with their necks. That's what I'd be doing.

Good thing I sit at a desk all day, staring at a computer screen instead.